Vacant Minds

I’m at the point where just little bits of things are holding me together. I don’t know what’s wrong with me anymore… I feel so alone. I spend days attempting to partake in things that make me feel alive again. Alive as in how I used to be. My happiness is temporary but at the end of the day I wish I was somewhere else in someone else’s shoes. I keep hoping this a phase, just a feeling I have temporarily. In regards to karma, you get what you give off. But what is there to give off when you can’t take it anymore? Nothing but negativity. I’m trying so hard, and I just feel like no one could care less about me. I try to get closer with my family and I get pushed away. How is it possible to get up everyday and smile, knowing this is your life? I’m vulnerable to everything and the littlest things that people say or do make me realize this is my life. I’ve been trying to focus on school lately but school only lasts 6 hours. I hate going home.. cause I’m afraid of the time alone. Everything seems so dark. I don’t pay attention to anything I see, it’s all the same. I’m hoping something will spark a change, but at this point, here I am, still.. not knowing what to do. 

I have so much anger, angst and worry built up in me. Life is just too unfair sometimes. Why do I get this? Why can’t I be happy? Why don’t I have anyone anymore?

Do you ever get so sick of your life and your reflection and your weight and your friends and your home and your school and your family that you wish you could just be done?

blogsecret:

I didn’t mean to leave you behind.

sometimes I really don’t know how I feel anymore. Days go from so good to so bad. I don’t even understand the reasoning of it and I don’t know how to cope with it, either. 

All my life I’d promise myself I’d never be put in this kind of position and let anyone get to me. Basically, I told myself I’d never fall in love until I was ready and older. Never did I ever  dream of struggling every single day to keep hold of who I am. You gain, you loose. Never did I imagine myself being so in love.

The funny thing is, is that everything you read about love is true. I never thought I’d believe it myself, but everything is true. Everything from the perspective of good, evil, bad, optimism, pessimism. Everything you’ve seen or been told are just a few of the many ways love can treat you. I’ve been on such an emotional roller coaster in the past year, it’s crazy. Who’s to say that I’m settled down? I think I’ve finally became right again. Not great, but right. I think my mind works the correct way again. I think I can find happiness. I have hope for my future and everything I’ve lacked for so long. I’ve learned to get used to myself.

I’ll always remember the times though. My depression… The stopping of everything around me as my pulse throbs louder and louder. You suddenly feel like the only living thing in a frozen world for miles. Or, you feel that you’re colorless. You feel weightless. Hollow - your body is there, but you are not. The things as simple as a certain smell initiate a break down, and there goes your day. I’ll always remember how it was. I’ll never let myself go back.

sometimes I really don’t understand how and why you can give so much to someone who won’t give it back, let alone accept it.

(Source: honestliars, via vivianaaisabel)